Adoptive parents are normal parents?
As adoptive parents we develop, shall we say, a slight paranoia about how others view us. Going to enough children’s parties without a child to accompany me, has entrenched a sense of distrust of others and their judgment of me.
Perhaps I should be less sensitive, but I get the feeling that adoptive parents across the land are in the same boat.
Instead of proudly parading the earth with our brand new family, we sit in the corner obsessed with others looking at us like something is out of place. We wonder if they know that this child is not the fruit of our own loins.
This suspicion is compounded when the parental invites start coming in. Suddenly we are on the radar, our peers with children, who only friend request us on facebook to boost their own popularity suddenly become interested in ‘spending time’ with us.
I have to be clear on this – we have had some genuine invites, from genuine people, one even borne out of blogging, but I am not talking about these.
I am talking about the fringe friends who, if they really wanted to, could spend time with us, but for whatever reason simply don’t bother. Now we have a child suddenly and our facebook messenger mysteriously comes alive.
One such invitation drew out a temper in me:
Come out to dinner
They said
You can get a baby sitter
They said
What?
Get a f**king baby sitter?
Four years we have been sat here, perfectly able to go out for a dinner – why for the love of God, do we appeal suddenly to you as good company now?
Adoptive parents have additional challenges
It can be frustrating for us adopters, we are told to stay inside and shield our adoptive children from the outside world – and for good reason. However, watching the wee fella bounce up and down and question our own parental responsibility can quickly become tiresome.
I may be jumping to conclusions to tar all adoptive parents with this brush. Perhaps my own fear of fatherhood is taking its toll, but why are we now so appealing?
Is it because we are parents, not just adoptive parents, but … well just… parents? The topic of conversation is often tilted in favour to the parties who have children. Certainly as a childless couple we were constantly hearing about other people’s kids – and quite rightly so.
I mean… I am only a few weeks into fatherhood, and even in my local co-op I seem to start all conversations with a slightly arrogant
Yes I am a parent, no I don’t want any stamps
Or
Yes my son is very loud and shrill, bless him. Isn’t it great!
Maybe, on reflection, I should cut these deep strike inviters some slack. Perhaps they know all too well that their only inspiration behind conversation is their own children, and now they feel more comfortable mixing with the likes of us?
I suspect my need to look over my shoulder is my own way of adjusting. Adoptive parenting however, has a different set of rules. Behaviour, tantrums, sleeping and eating patterns are all analysed to the nth degree. Gaps in their lives cannot always be plugged, and questions cannot always be answered. My paranoia will have to be overcome.
So are are we just parents? No, we will always be adoptive parents, but that is what we have signed up for, right? Would we have it any other way?
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About the Author: Andrew McDougall
Andrew is an adoptive father, and stay at home dad. Having adopted his son in January 2013, he is a new adoptive parent, but well versed in the adoption process. He is a married, coffee drinker, Xbox addict, and a graduate of Marketing. Andrew McDougall is an alias he uses to protect the identity of his adopted son. 
I have been a happy ‘adoptive’ mum now for just over 18 months and I still suspect people are looking at me intensely wondering why my son looks nothing like me, I’ve even had someone say ‘does he look like his dad then’?! People are weird and adopters are not normal parents, we are extra special parents, we have more battles and many more achievements – thats my conclusion!
Thanks for the comment. We certainly have differet challenges, but I dont want to do ‘normal’ parents a disservice. We are definately very special!
just think to “natural” parents , i take your ability to be fertile and i raise you “taking on someone else child ” .
It not just you , i been childless for 40 years now . I been trying since i was 23 to to have babies . I’ve had lots of maybe well meaning advice , from trying chesty cough medicine, to doggy style and to one friend how after the break up of my first marriage due to infertility , suggested i just got pregnant !!!! .worked for her both times in less than a month . No i don’t regard her as a friend any more , after she invited me to her son’s christening , and then told me and my now husband that we need to get a jump on the babies thing .
only people that have gone though the misery of every month , grieving for a person that will never exist or a life you’ll never lead . No first day at school , no mother of the bride , no trips to centre parks .
Sometimes i been treated like it’s my fault , that i’m a freak of nature and it will just happen one day . Well i went for a medical in November and the doctor was keen to get me on one course of IVF , before the NHS slammed the door in my face on my 40th birthday . No unlike they did when i was 30 and going though a marriage break up , and he just wanted to give me Protaz because i was stressed .
Yes , admittedly i was stressed , i had to run away down the cat food aisle in Sainsbury’s to get away from a beautiful glowing pregnant woman , who quite rightly was just standing in the queue, glowing away and quietly rubbing her bump . (don’t worry , turning point coming up ) .
So from that day , i said goodbye to my hope and dreams of being a “normal mother ” .
The next year i let my friend take me to New York and as first dates go it was pretty good . So thats was ten years ago and reader i married him .
So this is where we are now , we in the final stages of being passed to be foster carers ,and hopefully we should be up and running by April .
The “spare” room is freshly painted , we have a first aid kit and a fire blanket , i have books about sexualised behaviour, crisis management and Chester and Daisy move on , parental locked on my Kindle . I know too much about the evils that happen to kids , but weirdly know i can handle hearing even the most horrendous stories ( we had to do a safe guarding course).
So as most people ,family included , “why not adopt , if you foster , then you’ll have to let them go ”
Good question , in the last nine months (oh how ironic , that is almost like being pregnant , but no one has rubbed my belly or showered me in baby gro’s , thank god )
We decided to foster against adoption because we wanted to look after as many kids over the years as we can .
Put simply if i can’t have one child then i’ll have a 100 .Sometimes we win and they ‘ll leave us happy and put back together , sometimes we’ll lose .
But if i can help a child go happy and settled to their forever family , then i done my job .I have to regard it as my “job ” , yes i get attached , yes i cry and be wrenched during and after the weeks , there moved on but if i know that there is someone willing to have twenty social workers to go up theirs a%”*s for two years , and then make that leap of faith , to say yes i’ll be your daddy , even though i only known you two weeks .
Then yes , i think your a super parent .
And i wish you and your new family the moon and stars , and all the luck in the world .
Now just relax and enjoy “the rest of your lives ” .
I’ve gushed already about how I love the way you are reminding me of all those early thoughts and mind boggling considerations you start having as a new adoptive parent. You will certainly find your true friends on this journey, unfortunately there are people who wont get that the parenting is different. However, you are also a family now like any other family and that does invite you into a club where you can smile knowingly in the supermarket as some other parent struggles with a toddler having a tantrum. Love that you are putting it all down and sharing it here.
Thanks for linking up to The Weekly Adoption Shout Out #WASO
Yeah, we have had many people smiling at us, as the three of us are walking through the park, so the flip side of it is absolutely brilliant! Thanks for commenting.
Like Sarah, this is something that I felt and thought early on, and still do to a big extent.
I felt like I had a big ‘Adopter Here!!’ sign on my head, and I felt everyone knew I was a new mum and staring at me. Though, really, it was just me knowing that I was a new mum, and everyone admiring my amazingly cute little boy!
Thanks for linking up to the Weekly Adoption Shout Out x
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It does your head in at times the paranoia doesn’t it – truth is, a lot of the time people don’t know we are new parents – and adoptive parents is different isn’t it. I thought of your post about the A and E trip this last week and have posted my own story on WASO too
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It is difficult, on the one hand, I want people to know I am new at it, on the other I want to fit in, and appear as normal. Hopefully it will come with time. Thanks for the comment
Love this, love your blog, love knowing your family is racking up time together. The times people assume our parenting is ‘just parenting’ sometimes reassure me, but are mostly frustrating. This does push us out of the realms of regular experience. Its parenthood, Jim, but not as they know it.
Thanks very much, I read a couple of your posts the other day, you are a gifted writer! It is the same but different, sometimes I forget the adoption and everything is natural, other times I am very aware of it. As I said though, I would have it no other way. Thanks for commenting.
Almost 3 years in and I still feel like the odd one out on the playground, all those other parents are waiting for their little look alike ‘mini-me’s’ and I’m waiting for my 3 girls whom they ‘look alike’ someone else.
Great post!
The lookalike thing doesn’t bother me. Already, some people say he looks like my wife, and on three occasions, he has been mistaken for a girl – but all I need to know is that he is my son!
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Sure wouldn’t have it any other way! When I first found out I couldn’t have kids I couldn’t imagine I would be where I am today, but now that I’m here I honestly could not imagine it any different. And I completely agree; it’s so different. I’ve written about it too and I struggle with it sometimes but as we get to know each other more (almost 4 months in!) and Jonathan (who’s 4) reaches yet another phase of settling in, it is sooooo apparent that this adoptive parent thing is a different gig altogether – sometimes shockingly so!
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Thanks for your comment. We seem to be doing okay, but there are a few idiosyncrasies that we have to deal with – so far so good though!
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